"He later came back and looked at my vagina and said ‘what a disgusting mess’."

A mother's experience of Oxford University Hospitals Maternity Services in 2009 and 2013:

Nov 2009: Induction at 42 weeks with first baby, eventually delivered by Ventouse weighing 4kg.

The delivery was brutal, I thought I was going to suffocate on my own vomit as I was given pethidine and was hallucinating, but was forced to lie flat on my back. I wrote down afterwards how I had endlessly vomited over several hours while the baby was delivered; I was terrified I couldn’t keep my airway clear but no-one helped me.

Post delivery, a developing para-vaginal haematoma was ignored, even though I knew something was wrong. I could not stand to get to the shower and was too weak to reach or hold my new baby. My husband and family had already gone home as they had been up all night for the delivery. I was told to ‘sit on it’ to compress my perineum and stop the haemorrhage. The pain was unbelievable - I was left in agony for hours on my own overnight before it was eventually taken seriously and drained. I could not reach my crying baby in the cot across the room, but when I told a midwife I can’t look after my baby she dismissed me by saying ‘she doesn’t need looking after’ and left the room.

I had antibiotics, catheter, blood transfusion and several days in hospital to recover. I was going up and down stairs on my hands and knees for a month before I could walk. My community midwife was horrified by the state of my vagina and perineum.  

I had significant problems coping with a new baby as a result of the physical and psychological trauma, it took me at least a year to recover physically, and over 16 years to be able to share this.

March 2013: Second baby delivered by normal vaginal delivery at 40 weeks. Stitched up afterwards by consultant who commented on how vascular my genital tract was – he said ‘no wonder you bled first time’, as if it was my fault.

I was left afterwards in soaking wet bloody sheets, which I eventually stripped myself and left in a corner of the room as there was no-one to take them away. I sat on the bare blue plastic mattress with my baby.

My parents brought me a sandwich and paracetamol as there was no food or analgesia. When I later told the midwife I’d taken my own paracetamol so it could be documented, she rebuked me and said it was ‘against the rules’.

I went into urinary retention and needed a catheter overnight; when I asked for it to be removed the next day, the sister on the ward said ‘I know you medics like to trick us into taking them out – well you’ll just be readmitted when you go into retention’.

No-one took out a cannula out from my arm… in the end my dad removed it for me.

My eGFR went from normal (>90) to ~70 post partum and has never recovered. I feel this reflects poor fluid management / blood loss.

My babies were both eligible for BCG vaccination but no-one offered this. The first one was because no-one thought of it and I was too ill to ask. The second one should have been given in hospital, but it was a weekend and there was no-one to give it.

A few weeks after my second baby it became clear to me that I had prolapse of vaginal wall, bladder and rectum. I was referred to gynae and had a ring pessary fitted, which continued under 6-monthly review for several years.

A gynae registrar kindly suggested my routine smear could be done at the same time as the ring was changed, as my GP practice could not do this. When the consultant found out this had been offered, he shouted at me, ‘We are not a smear service’ and left, slamming the door loudly behind him in a rage, I can still remember the door frame rattling.

He later returned having been told I was a doctor and asked me what speciality (bearing in mind I was undressed and lying on the couch at the time). I told him ID (Infectious Diseases). He was still in a temper, and replied ‘ID?? Never heard of it!’. He totally dismissed the point that I was a clinical colleague in the Trust.

He later came back and looked at my vagina and said ‘what a disgusting mess’. I found it very difficult to come back for repeat appointments and often left the pessary in situ for much too long because I was too traumatised to face any further appointments.

I have never recovered in terms of my dignity and normal sexual function. I have not been able to talk about these experiences in any way because I feel so humiliated and distressed, and it has been easier for me to bury the experience. I was a member of staff at the Trust and felt I did not want my experiences to be public because I felt so mortified.

I am speaking out now after the passage of time makes it easier for me to be objective and realise how poorly I was treated – not that I should be embarrassed but that the system should be held accountable.

I can’t change the damage that I feel was done to me, but maybe I can help avoid similar situations for others.