"their agenda for vaginal births and restricting c-sections mentally broke me."

A mother's expierence of Oxford University Hospitals Maternity Services in 2018:

The experience I had with Oxford University Hospital requesting an elective caesarean was horrific and led to a massive lack of bonding with my baby.

I am a healthcare professional, and prior to becoming pregnant I had only ever seen a mother go through a still birth, and a second mother suffer a haemorrhage all as a young student at the JR. I remember at the time one of the obstetricians saying 'I would always have a c-section as it's safer for the baby' and this stuck with me. When I booked in, I made it very clear that I wanted a c-section and was aware of the NICE guidelines.

I gave the reasons why, but none of this was ever documented in my notes. I felt that the obstetricians and midwives were very 'them' and 'us' and the first midwife I saw rounded up my weight by a couple of kilograms so that my BMI was normal and I wouldn't have to be referred to obstetric care. She made this sound like a good thing and I didn't think much about it at the time. When she took my medical history and realised I was taking medication she seemed very disappointed and told me she would have to refer me anyway. At every appointment I repeated my request for a c-section.

At around 18 weeks I saw a registrar who said they 'didn't really do this here', which really started to ring alarm bells. I was struggling with hyperemesis, vomiting around 9 times a day while still carrying out my job at the Trust. At about 21 weeks, without ever being told I was being referred, I was sent an appointment to the mode of birth clinic. Thinking it was a routine appointment I attended this alone.

I saw the consultant midwife who basically offered birth on the birthing suite (as due to my medical condition I was risked out of the midwife led unit or a home birth), but I could have an epidural etc. She told me I would have to see psychiatry to discuss a c-section.

I left completely broken.

At this point, I honestly did not believe I could ever have a live baby if I gave birth vaginally and I couldn't see a future with my baby. The bond was severely damaged and I was feeling quite unwell at this point. I really needed a plan and it didn't feel that Oxford were going to facilitate this and refer me to another hospital as per NICE guidelines to have a c-section, and in a blind panic I referred myself.

In the meantime my psychiatry appointment came through and I had to cancel my finally booked neurology one to fit this in. This was the worst appointment I have ever been to. He seemed to be reading the referral as he went along and was not really listening to what I was explaining.

I was horrified when I received his letter a week later which had documented 'in an ideal world, she would put the baby up for adoption’.

I never said this at all. What I said was 'if I had known it would have been this hard (the pregnancy and requesting a c-section) we would have thought about adopting.'

I went on to have a horrific experience at another local hospital and had a c-section under general anaesthetic as the handover between the two hospitals and communication was terrible. I was terrified the whole time and when he was born, I really struggled to bond with him.

I was also too afraid to seek any help for my mental health, and by the time I was ready (desperate) when he was around 7 months old, I had 'timed out' of the perinatal mental health services and there wasn't really an appropriate service available.

I honestly just felt like a number during antenatal 'care' at the JR and that their agenda for vaginal births and restricting c-sections mentally broke me.

With my second baby I planned a free birth and did have a midwife present at the last minute, but I declined all NHS care/ scans as I could not go through this again. This decision was made out of pure terror as it is something I would have considered too risky before my first experience.

This experience massively impacted my whole life and still does at times today.