"It was only when the sheets became soaked with blood that I felt I was being listened to"

A mother's experience of Oxford University Hospitals Maternity Services in 2009:

I had my first child in June 2007 weighing 6lb 9oz vaginal water birth with gas and air, 2nd degree tear which didn’t need suturing.

My 2nd child was born March 2009 weighing 10lb 2oz, vaginal water birth with gas and air, 4th degree tear - this is the story I want to tell…

My 3rd child was born September 2012 by caesarean section weighing 8lb 7oz.

All my children were born at Horton Hospital, Banbury, Oxfordshire, part of the John Radcliffe Hospital Trust.

When we went into hospital (30/3/09 pm) to give birth to my 2nd child it was 2 days prior to my due date. My husband thought I was in labour but I wasn’t convinced. We went to the hospital where the midwife was very rude to my husband suggesting because he was a man what did he know.

They reluctantly said they would monitor me for a while and left us in the room. The room was at the far end of the corridor and was almost the “extra room” they kept just in case. After a while, my husband noticed my contractions (the midwives had still not acknowledged they were contractions) had moved from 8 minutes apart to 2 minutes apart. I went to the toilet and my waters broke.

The midwife was called and I was assigned a student midwife which I was happy with at them time. I felt the urge to push so was checked and told I was fully dilated. I was pushing for about 2 hours when the student midwife called in the consultant who said I was only 8cm dilated and shouldn’t be pushing.

It was now 31/1/09 am. I wanted a water birth so they felt that walking along the corridor and getting in the pool (which was now available) would help. That walk was horrendous!

I got in the pool and very quickly my baby was born. From this point on I don’t really remember much. I guess I went into shock and this is where the dissociation took over. My baby was taken away from me to be resuscitated and I don’t remember holding him at all. In fact, I don’t remember most of the first 2 years of his life. I remember getting onto a bed and delivering the placenta with more pain than giving birth - I remember that pain very well.

I was checked afterwards where a tear was noted but assessed as not that bad. I was not informed throughout my pregnancy that they thought I was carrying a big baby. I was asked to have a shower and continued bleeding. I felt like nobody was listening to me when I said something didn’t feel right. I had a shower in absolute agony and had to do a urine sample, again was agony. It was only when the sheets became soaked with blood that I felt I was being listened to.

The midwife checked the tear but then called a doctor whom said I had a large tear and he would suture up in the delivery room. As he started with LA and sutures again, I was in absolute agony and back on the gas and air. He stopped halfway through and said the tear was larger than he thought - it was actually a 4th degree tear.

Finally I had been checked and was being listened to. My mother had arrived and was holding the baby as a lot of medical staff rushed in and took me to theatre to be stitched up. I had a spinal block and was in theatre for 4 hours until I was returned to the ward. I remember a sea of doctors down at my feet ogling my injury and talking about it.

I still don’t remember holding my baby and my mother can confirm that she was left in the delivery room with the baby for 4 hours and no-one came to check on her or the baby, she also confirms that at no point was I given my baby. I was moved to a separate room and checked on several times a day, feeling like I was a piece of meat and not a new mum who was extremely distressed.

I stayed for a week and during that time my baby was taken to SCUBU for 4 days as he had severe jaundice and was dehydrated. I don’t remember feeding him, I remember everyone else asking if they could feed him because I either didn’t want to or was in the too much pain. When I got home it was clear I wasn’t right.

I bled for 2 weeks and was dismissed by the midwives several times (my health visitor noted on my notes I was unhappy with my care), so we decided to go private. I had to go for a D & C a week later as the consultant discovered retained placenta hence all the bleeding and during the operation the consultant discovered my tear had not been stitched properly. This meant I had to go back into hospital for a few days for this to be re-done.

As you can imagine I was in so much distress at this point, I was frightened, in pain, a new mum and felt so confused and let down.

Over the next few months I developed incontinence both faecal and urinary. I had to have several large operations to fix these injuries which were caused of a direct result of having had the undiagnosed large baby, not being dilated fully and the 4th degree tear.

After one of the large operations on my bowel I contracted C-Diff and was in intensive care for some time. When I started getting better I had to learn how to walk again and I had lost 2 stone. Rehabilitation took months and I was wheelchair bound. My husband worked away so we all moved into my parents house for help.

I was very depressed and diagnosed with PND quite quickly afterwards by my health visitor. I had help from a psychiatrist who would come to my house once a week and help me bond with my baby. She diagnosed PTSD. 2 / 2

For the first 18 months of my sons life I wasn’t ’there’ - I wasn’t a proper mum to him, I was in and out of hospital and my mother was caring for my children whilst I had long recovery stints in bed. At the time I saw various therapists to help with the PND but obviously things weren’t ’sorted’ and now I’m dealing with this horrific story all over again and blaming myself all over again.

Fast forward to today. I had a fall in January 2023 which has led to a diagnosis of CRPS (Complex Regional Pain Syndrome) in my left leg. This is a constant severe neurological pain condition which has impacted my life significantly. I started having psychological input quite early on after my diagnosis.

The pain I was experiencing was causing me to have flashbacks of the painful and traumatic birth.

I had EMDR which was very hard and after the first session I started to self-harm as a way to cope with the pain and the memories which I believed were still all my fault. I was suicidal. I am seeing a psychotherapist twice and still see him once a week to this date (July 2025).

I was able to access my notes (January 2024) for the birth. I’m angry with myself for not doing anything at the time to complain about my care. Obviously at the time I wasn’t in my right mind and wasn’t in the right place to do so.

I have been diagnosed with stress, anxiety and PTSD due to the traumatic birth and my psychotherapist suspects I may have had post partum psychosis at the time too. I do not remember much of my son being a baby, I don’t remember hearing him cry, I don’t remember holding him and for the last 14 years I’ve punished myself thinking it was all my fault.

I still remember the day I had him like it was yesterday, the pain haunts me and obviously during this time I cope with CRPS it’s a constant reminder of the pain I went through on that day.

Today, I am still impacted as a direct consequence of the traumatic birth and the several large operations I have had to have. This included a permanent Sacral Nerve Stimulator which is similar to a pacemaker implanted in my right hip which I control remotely, that helps control my bowels. This was last replaced 2 years ago at a cost to me of £18k.

I have also had botox in my perineum and bladder to help with symptoms every 1-2 years since I had my boy, the last treatment being September 2023, again at my cost. I have recently (Jan 2025) had another prolapsed bladder repair surgery. To this day my birth trauma still affects me not only mentally, but physically.